The one that finally didn’t get away

Being a teenager is dramatic but we all know that, I don’t have anything particularly new, interesting or insightful to add to the topic. A long series of events (none of which included me getting pregnant, thank you very much) had my parents and I school shopping. We lived too far away for me to attend any of the private day schools in the area so my parents decided to look at a nearby boarding school. I was sold at “boarding school,” I needed no further information.

Since I was 16 I wanted to take this picture, and I’ve taken many close approximations. But, honestly, I had crap cameras and no understanding of color, light or composition. These days I know about those things, but I don’t let it get in the way of my picture.

This is home.

Fall Photo Specials!

I have a cornucopia of awesome going on right now, so I thought I would update everyone on the photography side of things. I’ve got some time to fill and I like shooting outdoors and the weather has been great lately.

The lovely (awesome, talented and beautiful) Zanna is in the process of creating a website for me. She is also the person I go to for all my graphic design needs. I will be linking to her assorted web homes in the near future. There are new business cards and all sorts of fun such stuff coming up on the flip.

People have been asking about Fall pricing so I thought I would go ahead and lay it out here. These prices are good now until Nov. 25th. Sitting fees are $20 a person*, up to 50 digital images* on disk $100. You are saving a boat load.

Yes, it would probably be cheaper to go to Sears/Walmart/PicturePeople/OlanMills, and if you want generic, awkward pictures of your loved ones you should go to them and save money.

Photobooks start at $25 dollars plus shipping for softcover and can be ready for Christmas, as long as we start the process by the 1st of December. They are really great, I recently made a “Brag Book” sized one with a proofs for a friend and I really liked it. There are other great gifts we can make with your prints, everything from wall clings to canvas gallery wraps.

If you want prints the price you pay will depend on too many things to discuss quickly on my blog. I am, however, more than happy to take care of that for you on an individual basis.

If you are interested please email me at ChaosBean@gmail.com or message me on facebook. www.facebook.com/ChaosBean

*If you want your well-behaved pet in the pictures it is a $25 sitting fee.
*As always friends, family and valued co-workers will receive an additional discount.
*And, if you refer someone to me, there will be a bonus for you.

Maudlin expressions of regret and remorse do not suit me

Bayside might have said it best, “When we were young we never cared. But, now we’re scared of jumping in, like we’ve forgotten how to swim.” I like little kids because they are terrible liars, they just have not yet figured out how to be douches. They let you have it, generally without bias or malice. Kids call things like they see them, I appreciate that, good or bad.

See, if a kid loves you, they tell you. It doesn’t matter to them if they have known you two minutes or two years, they make the judgement and immediately pronounce it. They don’t wait until they think you will say it back or until a seemingly proper amount of time has pass or some other completely socially fabricated series of events has occurred. It is rather ballsy on their part, even if they do not see the danger in it.

I strive to be that ballsy about all things in my life. We all know it is rare for me to let the negative go without remark. There just is not enough guaranteed time not to jump in, to let people know how you feel, to show people you care.

Maudlin expressions of regret and remorse do not suit me, I live my life so that there is no reason for such crap.

I like lists.

Well, I am back to being and feeling awesome.

Some quick notes:
1. I loved seeing The Sleeping ( myspace.com/thesleeping ) their set was amazing. I feel bad for those guys because even drunk I could not stand the other bands. Oh yeah, we got drunk. I had the best time, and Sallena is an awesome concert going friend. I haven’t had a good concert going friend since Dan and I moved.
2. Apparently I’m way trashy because I enjoy brown bagging my beverages. (Or I am hellishly cheap.) I had no idea that most people have never done that, so weird.
3. My photography is going pretty well and soon I shall have promotional materials all together and a website. Of course by “I” I mean an awesome friend is doing that for me, because we all know that I no longer have the patience for that and I never had skill or talent. I’m super stoked and I can’t wait for the site to go live.
4. Work is going quite well, I love how it is different every day. I don’t think I ever expected to like a job quite as much as I like mine. It is the strange.
5. I am seriously thinking about moving. It might be the time of year or it might be something else. But, I have the itch. (To those who read that and got excited, trust that it won’t be for at least 6 months and it could be just down the street. Who knows.)
6. I seriously thankful for the amazing people in my life. I don’t know what it is or why it is but I find myself in awe of having this many great people in my life.
7. My brother is dope and bought a cute new car, which I saw for the first time yesterday in the driveway, however he was not awake to show me it.
8. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is amazing. Both versions. Do not engage me in this conversation, because I might think you are stupid if you disagree. I don’t buy into that whole pedestrian view that because the first one came out first it is clearly better. I’m sorry, the first movie is technically the bastard as the second one is much more in line with the book and the vision of the author. I’m going to have to ask you to grow up on this one.
9. I have been healthy and off drugs for two weeks. I’m hopeful.

30 isn’t going as planned.

Do you remember when I was so excited to turn 30? I decided that 30 was going to be the best year of my life. I am still working toward that goal, and trust me when I say I have had a lot of great times, I have the best group of friends I have ever had, and both my photography and the bill paying job are going great. Certain things are going very poorly and are causing me stress that I can not express, anger that no one understands, frustration that I can not work through and an abiding sadness that makes me angry.

One of these “certain things” is/was a relationship. I might have fallen in love for the first time, and if that is what happened all those dumb people who say things like, “It is better to have loved and lost vomit blah blah blah” are dumber than I originally thought. No, trust me it is better not to know what you are missing. I never cared before, all of a sudden I care. I do not like. Perhaps Blondie was right and it is just a pain in the ass.

I was 100% honest with someone about my feelings. If you know me well you know that just is not something I do. I don’t typically lie about how I feel, but I rarely share how I am feeling. But I did and it was the worst relationship mistake I have ever made. Things were good until I admitted that I had checked in.

See, when it was just two people who liked each other, who had fun together and who enjoyed making out and other fun such things it was all good. It was some of the best times ever. And, then I had a moment of weakness, wherein I decided that I was going to give it my all,buy into a serious relationship and admit how I really felt. That flipped a switch and brought on one of the worst nights of my life.

Now everyone thinks I am distraught because I lost a love, but that is not what is causing this incredible lump in my throat that I am constantly trying to breathe and talk around. I choke on it constantly. I wonder if people can see the lump, I wonder if the lump is a physical or mental phenomenon. I seem to have been misplaced by a very dear friend.

It sucks when the one person who can make things better is the fornicating person who is part of the problem. I am not placing blame on anyone aside from myself because things happen. Switches get flipped.

Oh, but I blame myself. I am too smart for this. I blame myself because I knew I was not ready. Because, I did not fight for us. Because, I do no know how to fix things. Because, I could not say what I am thinking or feeling if I wanted to.

I am not sure what the point of all this is or was or ever will be. But, I am sure that it sucks.

I am also not sure if I said anything.

I feel pathetic, which is not a feeling I have ever felt about myself before.

Well, I feel somewhat better. It could be the writing or the fact that I put on Blondie. As pathetic I feel that Bitch wrote a song about it… Her whole fan base gets pleasure from her misery. I don’t know how I’d feel about that. It is unfortunately very inline with how I felt though.

Once I had a love and it was a gas
Soon turned out had a heart of glass
Seemed like the real thing, only to find
Much of mistrust, love’s gone behind
Once I had a love and it was divine
Soon found out I was losing my mind
It seemed like the real thing but I was so blind
Much of mistrust, love’s gone behind

In between
What I find is pleasing and I’m feeling fine
Love is so confusing there’s no peace of mind
If I fear I’m losing you it’s just no good
You teasing like you do

Once I had a love and it was a gas
Soon turned out had a heart of glass
Seemed like the real thing, only to find
Much of mistrust, love’s gone behind

Once I had a love and it was divine
Soon found out I was losing my mind
It seemed like the real thing but I was so blind
Much of mistrust, love’s gone behind

Lost inside
Adorable illusion and I cannot hide
I’m the one you’re using, please don’t push me aside
We could’ve made it cruising, yeah

Yeah, riding high on love’s true bluish light

Once I had a love and it was a gas
Soon turned out to be a pain in the ass
Seemed like the real thing only to find
Much of mistrust, love’s gone behind

Still Sexy After All These Years

Still Sexy After All These Years

New Camera

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Writing a Novel?

A few people have been talking to me about their books lately.  I enjoy books, I love them.  What I do not always enjoy is working with writers.  They are a rare breed, the saying, “I don’t need children, I have Authors” comes to mind. It isn’t really writers that annoy me, it is people who ask for my advice only to tell me that they read something else on the internet.  Why are you wasting my time?  

 

I’m writing this down, because I keep saying the same things, over and over and over.

 

1. The publishing firms you dream of picking up your novel, are not going to accept the manuscript you wrote beginning to end.  If they do, you are the exception to the rule.  You are indeed the freak your mom lied to you and told you that you were not in high school. 
2. Your new bible is Writer’s Market, you will find it in the reference section of your local library.  If that is news to you, you are behind the competition.  
3. There is competition, and you better hurry because the competition has an agent. 
4. Larger libraries will have Guide to Literary Agents.  Yes, I am going to tell you to look at it.  You are not JK nor is your book Bridges.  
5. While you are at the library you should look at Novel and Short Story Writer’s Market, because one of the best things you can do for your novel is to write and sell great short stories to as many people as possible.  When you talk to agents and when your agent talks to firms your piddle diddle blog is not going to hold up to the competition’s list of magazines that picked up their stuff.
6. Join a writers group that meets in person,  FOR THE LOVE OF GOD AND MONEY.
7. Worry less about the grammar, that can be fixed by interns, your shoddy story telling, your lack of interesting diction, your poorly developed characters and your lack of direction require your attention.
8. You are not going to make money on your book sales, just FYI.  Want to make the big money write a book that would make a good movie with merchandising possibilities. 
9. Read the NY Times book review, every Sunday.  http://www.nytimes.com/pages/books/review/  You care what the NYT says about your book.
10. Write with a purpose, do not waste your time with stream on bullshit writing.  You are not in middle school, and they really shouldn’t teach kids to do that anyway.  Always write with a clear knowledge of your intended audience and a clear sense of purpose.  To do anything else is a waste of your time.  Time that you should be using to write charming short stories.  
11. No, at this point in your career you cannot publish a collection of short stories about your life, but you can publish a short story about whatever you want.  Trust me, there is a market for your story, it is a matter of finding it.  If you cannot find a market for your short story you will not find a market for your novel.
12. I know you think you are fooling everyone by saying you haven’t sent your book out into the world because you are fixing just one more thing, but you are not and you should just admit that you are scared. 
13.  Do not be scared, your manuscript will be rejected.  You have nothing to fear, it will be rejected.  Rejection is merely part of the process.  
14.  All You Need to Know about The Music Business by Donald Passman will explain everything you need to know about royalties, contracts and signing deals.  It may be written about the music business but, the same theories apply. Anytime the book names MJ or Madonna insert John Grisham or Anne Rice.  If the book names someone and calls them a serious exception that never ever happens, insert JK. 
15.  A sample chapter does not need to be the first chapter, if a firm wants more than one chapter they do not need to be consecutive.  
16. Have a plan but be willing to adapt.
17. Be prepared for the publisher to ask you to do things like work with a ghost writer, rewrite everything you have and make drastic changes.  

The Ashers!

Mark Unseen, Singer of The Ashers

Original Image of the 'shopped image

I am not normally a big fan of the photoshopped crap picture, but I was playing with photoshop and this came out so fucking bad ass, I had to post it. Yes, it is cheap and cheese filled, but look at his tattoos. I love how it came out.

Here are some other photos from the night, that I like.

Live at Uncle Pleasant's

Joe, the Bassist

Billy, guitarist The Ashers

Billy, the guitarist

More Mark!

Mark, Vocals

unseen

let me know what you think

Niagara Falls

Niagara Falls, from Canada

Ontario in the Mist

Spent some time looking at the Falls. They were gorgeous, we should go back sometime.