30 isn’t going as planned.

Do you remember when I was so excited to turn 30? I decided that 30 was going to be the best year of my life. I am still working toward that goal, and trust me when I say I have had a lot of great times, I have the best group of friends I have ever had, and both my photography and the bill paying job are going great. Certain things are going very poorly and are causing me stress that I can not express, anger that no one understands, frustration that I can not work through and an abiding sadness that makes me angry.

One of these “certain things” is/was a relationship. I might have fallen in love for the first time, and if that is what happened all those dumb people who say things like, “It is better to have loved and lost vomit blah blah blah” are dumber than I originally thought. No, trust me it is better not to know what you are missing. I never cared before, all of a sudden I care. I do not like. Perhaps Blondie was right and it is just a pain in the ass.

I was 100% honest with someone about my feelings. If you know me well you know that just is not something I do. I don’t typically lie about how I feel, but I rarely share how I am feeling. But I did and it was the worst relationship mistake I have ever made. Things were good until I admitted that I had checked in.

See, when it was just two people who liked each other, who had fun together and who enjoyed making out and other fun such things it was all good. It was some of the best times ever. And, then I had a moment of weakness, wherein I decided that I was going to give it my all,buy into a serious relationship and admit how I really felt. That flipped a switch and brought on one of the worst nights of my life.

Now everyone thinks I am distraught because I lost a love, but that is not what is causing this incredible lump in my throat that I am constantly trying to breathe and talk around. I choke on it constantly. I wonder if people can see the lump, I wonder if the lump is a physical or mental phenomenon. I seem to have been misplaced by a very dear friend.

It sucks when the one person who can make things better is the fornicating person who is part of the problem. I am not placing blame on anyone aside from myself because things happen. Switches get flipped.

Oh, but I blame myself. I am too smart for this. I blame myself because I knew I was not ready. Because, I did not fight for us. Because, I do no know how to fix things. Because, I could not say what I am thinking or feeling if I wanted to.

I am not sure what the point of all this is or was or ever will be. But, I am sure that it sucks.

I am also not sure if I said anything.

I feel pathetic, which is not a feeling I have ever felt about myself before.

Well, I feel somewhat better. It could be the writing or the fact that I put on Blondie. As pathetic I feel that Bitch wrote a song about it… Her whole fan base gets pleasure from her misery. I don’t know how I’d feel about that. It is unfortunately very inline with how I felt though.

Once I had a love and it was a gas
Soon turned out had a heart of glass
Seemed like the real thing, only to find
Much of mistrust, love’s gone behind
Once I had a love and it was divine
Soon found out I was losing my mind
It seemed like the real thing but I was so blind
Much of mistrust, love’s gone behind

In between
What I find is pleasing and I’m feeling fine
Love is so confusing there’s no peace of mind
If I fear I’m losing you it’s just no good
You teasing like you do

Once I had a love and it was a gas
Soon turned out had a heart of glass
Seemed like the real thing, only to find
Much of mistrust, love’s gone behind

Once I had a love and it was divine
Soon found out I was losing my mind
It seemed like the real thing but I was so blind
Much of mistrust, love’s gone behind

Lost inside
Adorable illusion and I cannot hide
I’m the one you’re using, please don’t push me aside
We could’ve made it cruising, yeah

Yeah, riding high on love’s true bluish light

Once I had a love and it was a gas
Soon turned out to be a pain in the ass
Seemed like the real thing only to find
Much of mistrust, love’s gone behind