The one that finally didn’t get away

Being a teenager is dramatic but we all know that, I don’t have anything particularly new, interesting or insightful to add to the topic. A long series of events (none of which included me getting pregnant, thank you very much) had my parents and I school shopping. We lived too far away for me to attend any of the private day schools in the area so my parents decided to look at a nearby boarding school. I was sold at “boarding school,” I needed no further information.

Since I was 16 I wanted to take this picture, and I’ve taken many close approximations. But, honestly, I had crap cameras and no understanding of color, light or composition. These days I know about those things, but I don’t let it get in the way of my picture.

This is home.

Maudlin expressions of regret and remorse do not suit me

Bayside might have said it best, “When we were young we never cared. But, now we’re scared of jumping in, like we’ve forgotten how to swim.” I like little kids because they are terrible liars, they just have not yet figured out how to be douches. They let you have it, generally without bias or malice. Kids call things like they see them, I appreciate that, good or bad.

See, if a kid loves you, they tell you. It doesn’t matter to them if they have known you two minutes or two years, they make the judgement and immediately pronounce it. They don’t wait until they think you will say it back or until a seemingly proper amount of time has pass or some other completely socially fabricated series of events has occurred. It is rather ballsy on their part, even if they do not see the danger in it.

I strive to be that ballsy about all things in my life. We all know it is rare for me to let the negative go without remark. There just is not enough guaranteed time not to jump in, to let people know how you feel, to show people you care.

Maudlin expressions of regret and remorse do not suit me, I live my life so that there is no reason for such crap.

I like lists.

Well, I am back to being and feeling awesome.

Some quick notes:
1. I loved seeing The Sleeping ( myspace.com/thesleeping ) their set was amazing. I feel bad for those guys because even drunk I could not stand the other bands. Oh yeah, we got drunk. I had the best time, and Sallena is an awesome concert going friend. I haven’t had a good concert going friend since Dan and I moved.
2. Apparently I’m way trashy because I enjoy brown bagging my beverages. (Or I am hellishly cheap.) I had no idea that most people have never done that, so weird.
3. My photography is going pretty well and soon I shall have promotional materials all together and a website. Of course by “I” I mean an awesome friend is doing that for me, because we all know that I no longer have the patience for that and I never had skill or talent. I’m super stoked and I can’t wait for the site to go live.
4. Work is going quite well, I love how it is different every day. I don’t think I ever expected to like a job quite as much as I like mine. It is the strange.
5. I am seriously thinking about moving. It might be the time of year or it might be something else. But, I have the itch. (To those who read that and got excited, trust that it won’t be for at least 6 months and it could be just down the street. Who knows.)
6. I seriously thankful for the amazing people in my life. I don’t know what it is or why it is but I find myself in awe of having this many great people in my life.
7. My brother is dope and bought a cute new car, which I saw for the first time yesterday in the driveway, however he was not awake to show me it.
8. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is amazing. Both versions. Do not engage me in this conversation, because I might think you are stupid if you disagree. I don’t buy into that whole pedestrian view that because the first one came out first it is clearly better. I’m sorry, the first movie is technically the bastard as the second one is much more in line with the book and the vision of the author. I’m going to have to ask you to grow up on this one.
9. I have been healthy and off drugs for two weeks. I’m hopeful.

30 isn’t going as planned.

Do you remember when I was so excited to turn 30? I decided that 30 was going to be the best year of my life. I am still working toward that goal, and trust me when I say I have had a lot of great times, I have the best group of friends I have ever had, and both my photography and the bill paying job are going great. Certain things are going very poorly and are causing me stress that I can not express, anger that no one understands, frustration that I can not work through and an abiding sadness that makes me angry.

One of these “certain things” is/was a relationship. I might have fallen in love for the first time, and if that is what happened all those dumb people who say things like, “It is better to have loved and lost vomit blah blah blah” are dumber than I originally thought. No, trust me it is better not to know what you are missing. I never cared before, all of a sudden I care. I do not like. Perhaps Blondie was right and it is just a pain in the ass.

I was 100% honest with someone about my feelings. If you know me well you know that just is not something I do. I don’t typically lie about how I feel, but I rarely share how I am feeling. But I did and it was the worst relationship mistake I have ever made. Things were good until I admitted that I had checked in.

See, when it was just two people who liked each other, who had fun together and who enjoyed making out and other fun such things it was all good. It was some of the best times ever. And, then I had a moment of weakness, wherein I decided that I was going to give it my all,buy into a serious relationship and admit how I really felt. That flipped a switch and brought on one of the worst nights of my life.

Now everyone thinks I am distraught because I lost a love, but that is not what is causing this incredible lump in my throat that I am constantly trying to breathe and talk around. I choke on it constantly. I wonder if people can see the lump, I wonder if the lump is a physical or mental phenomenon. I seem to have been misplaced by a very dear friend.

It sucks when the one person who can make things better is the fornicating person who is part of the problem. I am not placing blame on anyone aside from myself because things happen. Switches get flipped.

Oh, but I blame myself. I am too smart for this. I blame myself because I knew I was not ready. Because, I did not fight for us. Because, I do no know how to fix things. Because, I could not say what I am thinking or feeling if I wanted to.

I am not sure what the point of all this is or was or ever will be. But, I am sure that it sucks.

I am also not sure if I said anything.

I feel pathetic, which is not a feeling I have ever felt about myself before.

Well, I feel somewhat better. It could be the writing or the fact that I put on Blondie. As pathetic I feel that Bitch wrote a song about it… Her whole fan base gets pleasure from her misery. I don’t know how I’d feel about that. It is unfortunately very inline with how I felt though.

Once I had a love and it was a gas
Soon turned out had a heart of glass
Seemed like the real thing, only to find
Much of mistrust, love’s gone behind
Once I had a love and it was divine
Soon found out I was losing my mind
It seemed like the real thing but I was so blind
Much of mistrust, love’s gone behind

In between
What I find is pleasing and I’m feeling fine
Love is so confusing there’s no peace of mind
If I fear I’m losing you it’s just no good
You teasing like you do

Once I had a love and it was a gas
Soon turned out had a heart of glass
Seemed like the real thing, only to find
Much of mistrust, love’s gone behind

Once I had a love and it was divine
Soon found out I was losing my mind
It seemed like the real thing but I was so blind
Much of mistrust, love’s gone behind

Lost inside
Adorable illusion and I cannot hide
I’m the one you’re using, please don’t push me aside
We could’ve made it cruising, yeah

Yeah, riding high on love’s true bluish light

Once I had a love and it was a gas
Soon turned out to be a pain in the ass
Seemed like the real thing only to find
Much of mistrust, love’s gone behind

Writing a Novel?

A few people have been talking to me about their books lately.  I enjoy books, I love them.  What I do not always enjoy is working with writers.  They are a rare breed, the saying, “I don’t need children, I have Authors” comes to mind. It isn’t really writers that annoy me, it is people who ask for my advice only to tell me that they read something else on the internet.  Why are you wasting my time?  

 

I’m writing this down, because I keep saying the same things, over and over and over.

 

1. The publishing firms you dream of picking up your novel, are not going to accept the manuscript you wrote beginning to end.  If they do, you are the exception to the rule.  You are indeed the freak your mom lied to you and told you that you were not in high school. 
2. Your new bible is Writer’s Market, you will find it in the reference section of your local library.  If that is news to you, you are behind the competition.  
3. There is competition, and you better hurry because the competition has an agent. 
4. Larger libraries will have Guide to Literary Agents.  Yes, I am going to tell you to look at it.  You are not JK nor is your book Bridges.  
5. While you are at the library you should look at Novel and Short Story Writer’s Market, because one of the best things you can do for your novel is to write and sell great short stories to as many people as possible.  When you talk to agents and when your agent talks to firms your piddle diddle blog is not going to hold up to the competition’s list of magazines that picked up their stuff.
6. Join a writers group that meets in person,  FOR THE LOVE OF GOD AND MONEY.
7. Worry less about the grammar, that can be fixed by interns, your shoddy story telling, your lack of interesting diction, your poorly developed characters and your lack of direction require your attention.
8. You are not going to make money on your book sales, just FYI.  Want to make the big money write a book that would make a good movie with merchandising possibilities. 
9. Read the NY Times book review, every Sunday.  http://www.nytimes.com/pages/books/review/  You care what the NYT says about your book.
10. Write with a purpose, do not waste your time with stream on bullshit writing.  You are not in middle school, and they really shouldn’t teach kids to do that anyway.  Always write with a clear knowledge of your intended audience and a clear sense of purpose.  To do anything else is a waste of your time.  Time that you should be using to write charming short stories.  
11. No, at this point in your career you cannot publish a collection of short stories about your life, but you can publish a short story about whatever you want.  Trust me, there is a market for your story, it is a matter of finding it.  If you cannot find a market for your short story you will not find a market for your novel.
12. I know you think you are fooling everyone by saying you haven’t sent your book out into the world because you are fixing just one more thing, but you are not and you should just admit that you are scared. 
13.  Do not be scared, your manuscript will be rejected.  You have nothing to fear, it will be rejected.  Rejection is merely part of the process.  
14.  All You Need to Know about The Music Business by Donald Passman will explain everything you need to know about royalties, contracts and signing deals.  It may be written about the music business but, the same theories apply. Anytime the book names MJ or Madonna insert John Grisham or Anne Rice.  If the book names someone and calls them a serious exception that never ever happens, insert JK. 
15.  A sample chapter does not need to be the first chapter, if a firm wants more than one chapter they do not need to be consecutive.  
16. Have a plan but be willing to adapt.
17. Be prepared for the publisher to ask you to do things like work with a ghost writer, rewrite everything you have and make drastic changes.  

Comic Book Lives

the only thing thats hurts
is a broken heart
in a comic book life
bones splinter, break and heal
while hearts remain shattered.

Its not just a hairstyle anymore.

Update: I have the blues.

Hybrid Moment

DISCLAIMER: This is a first draft, rough and unedited. If you are annoyed by a glaring mistake, comment about it. If you have suggestions about the writing, leave a comment. If you want to ask a personal question, don’t post a damn comment, I won’t answer it. If you really need to ask a personal question email me.

I love the sense of wonder and the excitement of realizing I like someone and I hate to move through that quicker than I have to. Yes, there is the possibility of a real relationship on the other side, but since when did rushing make something better? Who doesn’t love the newness? The awe and wonder your new feelings inspire.

Who doesn’t enjoy the way hearing just his name makes you smile to yourself and the way your smile makes other curious. Then there is the he way his smile, makes you happy. And, how you love to hear him laugh, particularly if you made him laugh and often even if he is laughing at you. You spend time pondering the possibilities ahead, ignoring the mundane in your life.

When the phone rings you dive for it, only to have to explain how you answered before the first ring had finished ringing. Because, you don’t want to admit that you were sitting there with the phone right next to you, just in case. The entire time you are talking to him you are blushing and thinking, “He must think I’m a complete dork, he has to see through it.” He calls with an agenda or he calls just to talk, even though that is also a motive, it doesn’t matter because you are just stoked that he called. Long after he has hung up you contemplate what was said, the inflection of his voice, the cadence of his speak and the way he said goodbye.

The people around you start to notice something different about you. They ask if you dyed your hair or perhaps tried a new perfume. They know something is afoot, but they can’t figure it out. They think you are up to something, and can’t help but ask you about it.

The sound of his voice is both soothing and exciting. The way he says your name all of a sudden has a meaning, and when it varies you wonder why. You light up at the smallest comment from him.

The scent of him lingers both in the room and in your senses. You can still feel the touch of his hand, long after it has been removed. You sense him looking at you across spaces, crowded or not. The world is a richer more vivid place. Everything sense is stimulated and you notice the smallest things. It is cliche, and that is worth being annoyed by, but it is also true; you feel everything much more.

I won’t lie to you, I hate the way you can’t sleep at night because you are thinking of him. And, who doesn’t hate when he hangs out randomly with some busted faced gorilla of a girl who might well be crazy as well as ugly. Or, the way it can sometimes be embarrassing the way you care.

Who doesn’t hate that girl who hurt him, who made him distrustful, who made him touchy about random things, who he thinks about every time you upset him. That girl who he consciously and unconsciously compares you too, hoping you are like her in some ways, and completely opposite in others. Her, ugh.

Liking someone is a curious situation. Its fun, exciting and new, but it is also sometimes confusing, painful and frustrating. Liking someone can make you act punch-drunk. While dementia pugilistica is something boxers can look forward to, it is not an endearing set of behaviors to suddenly see in yourself. Liking someone brings out the best in you, but occasionally self doubt or jealous creep out and really piss you off. You want to be gentle with yourself, but can’t help the occasional swift palm to the face.

Generally this is a great time, where you can start getting to know someone new, and learn a lot about yourself. If you take your time here you can see deal breakers and bail with greater ease, or you will see things that solidify your interest. It is like a trial period, with very few rules and restrictions and a fabulous return policy. If you do things right now, you can save much heartache.

People keeps saying, “Talk to him” but I tell myself that you would agree with me; that you would tell me to ride it out. It is not cowardice that is holding me back. It is the full knowledge that it would not work out if I were to do that, my character does not do that. To have my character bring it up would be too large of a suspension of reality, the readers would be lost, the story would lose strength. While it is entirely possible that my character could change, my character would never change just to get a chance with a man. Staying Gold is of the upmost importance at the beginning of any type of relationship. Being upfront about my feelings would not be me, as much as it frustrates the people around me, it is the way things are. I will change if I want to.

PS Don’t bother asking who this is about, unless he asks I will not being telling anyone. Save your breath and my relationship with you by not pissing me off about it.

25 things you love about me.

Rules: Once you’ve been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you.  (the people I tagged, I tagged on my facebook… it is the only way I know how to tag).

 

1.  I love secrets.  I love having them, I love telling them, I love sharing them.  I love secrets.  

2. I love to bake for other people, and get really upset when it doesn’t turn out the way I wanted.

3. I am rarely honest and open about my feelings.  Dan, Alisa and Sam are about the only people I’m consistently honest with about them.  I hide feelings from them to sometimes.  Generally, they still know.

4. I don’t ever try new food, unless prompted to.

5. I don’t share my drinks or food with people.  I have thrown away so many things because someone else drank out of my cup or ate off my plate.

6. My nose is sensitive, i can smell everything way stronger than anyone I’ve ever met.

7.  I’m addicted to Diet Coke and chewing gum.  All day every day one of the other is in my mouth or on its way there.  Its sick.  I know.  

8.  I like color.  I might not wear much color, but I love to see colors.

9.  I love my boobs.  A lot.  I wear low cut shirts so I can see my cleavage.  Its weird, but it is me.

10.  I like the band Bombers way more than normal people like their favorite bands.

11. I remember names and faces, even if I don’t always admit to it.  I think I am creepy that way.  But for some reason, I don’t know the names of the girls for the company we work with.  First time ever I couldn’t keep people straight from day one. 

12.  I really do think I am awesome.  I have moments of self doubt, but for the most part I know I’m where it is at.

13.  I don’t understand people who don’t like me, and assume that they have some sort of malfunction.  I’ve learned that most people do not admit to that.

14. I don’t really enjoy this exercise that much.

15. I love to read, but hate hipster books.  

16. I hate stupidity and willing ignorance.  

17. I hate people who have to prove they are smart, who tell you that they have a genius IQ and/or tell you that they were a mathlete in High School and expect any of those to impress me.  I’m not impressed, and I see through it to the heart of your insecurity.  Good thing that you can recite test results to soothe your wounded soul, but its not doing anything for me.

18.  I will never be good enough for myself, and I think that is a good thing.  It is the ultimate motivator to keep learning and growing and trying new things.

19.  I want my own photography studio, I constantly think about what I would do, how I want things to look and feel; what my style should grow into, who I would hire to do what and so forth.  

20.  I’ll never “grow up.” That fact makes me happy but also scares me as I watch everyone around me “grow up” and achieve “adult” things.  I just don’t want those things.  Sorry.  I don’t judge you for wanting them, why can’t I have that same luxury?

21.  I am beyond interested in the Duggar Family.  Their TV show is the trainwreck to my rubber necking.  I can’t help it.  I wish I could.

22.  I hate Wal-Mart.  A lot.  I just do not understand the reasons people shop there.

23. I am a New Yorker, no matter where I am, the heart remains.

24. I would help an enemy, just because I like to be helpful.  I’m stupid that way.

25.  The mistakes I have learned from I tend to over compensate for, the mistakes I haven’t learned from annoy me.